I'm here to report that I have procured a Sugoi Turbo Tri Suit. It is a very tight fitting suit and fails completely at meeting the last two requirements. However, it does meet a new and very important requirement: avoiding public nudity. Once I thought through the logistics of how I would actually go from wearing a wet suit to wearing my bike gear it became clear to me that under my wet suit would have to be something that I could wear during all three events (swim, bike, run). The tri-suit seemed to be the best platform for such a thing. I like to think of it as my base layer for all three events. Although I do look like a walrus crammed into a latex glove, at least the moments I'll be in the tri-suit alone will be brief.
So far I've taken it for a spin in the pool and I've gone for a 4 mile run with it. It seems to perform pretty well and I don't have any complaints yet.